A Better Way to Apologize – and to Increase Accountability
August 7, 2025 | By David M. Wagner
“I don’t think she means it.”
If a (non-)apology has ever let you down, you may have felt the same.
In The Descendants, George Clooney plays a father struggling to parent two daughters while his wife is in a coma.
His youngest bullies a girl at school, whose mother calls demanding an apology.
Unsurprisingly, the daughter’s perfunctory apology (a forced, “I’m sorry”) does not impress the bullied girl’s mother.
There’s a better way to apologize.
And it’s a perfect model for how to build a culture of accountability for you team.
Re-Learning How to Apologize
An episode of Mindshift that I heard on the radio years ago has stuck with me for a simple reason: I wish I (and everyone I know) had heard it as a kid.
The episode features the authors of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry - The Case for Good Apologies. To summarize, their research suggests a good apologizer:
Says “I’m sorry” (expresses remorse)
Acknowledges the harm they’ve caused
Offers to repair or remedy the harm
Promises not to do it again (or better yet, what they’ll do instead in the future)
Notice what’s missing: no excuses. No deflecting blame. No qualifiers (“I’m sorry if…”).
This approach works for a few important reasons.
First, it validates the offended party’s experience by recognizing harm, which requires empathy by the apologize.
Second, a meaningful offer of repair demonstrates sincerity. Because how sorry are you, really, if you’re not willing to try to make things right again?
Third, it commits the apologizer to grow and change. There’s a promise not to harm me (or the team) in the same way in the future.
A Basis for Better Accountability
What might happen if your team adopted this style of apologizing when anyone messed up, even unintentionally?
Imagine someone dropping the ball on an assignment. What if, instead of offering a half-hearted “sorry,” they told the team that they understood the impact of their actions and explained how they would make things right - and what they would do differently going forward?
I’ve written before about creating a culture of accountability by reducing ambiguity in tasks, clarifying responsibilities, and publicizing commitments. Let’s add to that:
Take responsibility for your own mistakes. Lead by example using the apology formula above. Not only will you model accountable behaviors for others to follow, you’ll build trust among your team.
Discuss team norms around accountability. Share this article or the Mindshift episode with your team. Discuss how you (as a team) would like people to own up to their mistakes. Commit to specific practices and give each other permission to speak up when norms aren’t being followed.
Improve your team’s trust in each other and their performance by building simple systems of accountability. Chat with me if you’d like a facilitator to help install this practice or other essential norms.