How Do You Need Me to Listen to You?
February 26, 2026 | By David M. Wagner
Everyone you know has a fail-proof cold remedy, an inside scoop on “going around” right now, or a theory about how to prevent (or catch) the latest bug.
Don’t believe me?
Just tell someone you think you’re coming down with something. They’re almost certain to chime in with the latest pop-health knowledge.
Unless…they’re a talented listener.
Listening is a Critical Leadership Skill
As a leader, you have a lot of opportunities to listen to others. (Granted, some of those opportunities might be forced on you.)
In every conversation, you have a choice: will you listen to meet your agenda, or to satisfy theirs?
As humans, our default mode is often to put our own interests first in conversations. When that happens, we might listen to:
Understand how what they’re saying affects us
Connect their experience with our own (so we can share our stories)
Look for opportunities to solve their problem
These are all perfectly valid thoughts to have in your conversations. Someone might be sharing critical information that you need to understand or they may be looking for your insights or advice.
But that’s not always the case.
Recently, when I’ve shared with others that I was feeling under the weather, the response has been a deluge of tips and theories.
I didn’t need tips and theories. All I needed was some grace – some allowance for operating at less than 100%.
Adapting Your Listening
In any conversation, but especially when you’re a leader, there is a good chance the other party is looking for something – and it may not be your favorite anecdote or suggested remedy:
Perhaps they need to vent, and they just need a sympathetic ear.
Maybe they need validation of their viewpoint.
Sometimes they just need to know you heard their concerns or ideas, even if you disagree with them.
Other times they need a coach – someone to be a neutral sounding board to help them verbally process a challenge.
Each of these scenarios demands a different type of listening. When you know what the other person needs, you can adjust your listening style to offer the right mix of questions, observations, or silence they’re looking for.
What each scenario has in common is that, to meet the need, you must switch your focus from pursuing your agenda to understanding theirs.
The simplest way to find out what type of listening someone else needs?
Ask them.
“How do you need me to listen to you right now?” is a powerful question. It demonstrates your focus on them. They may not have even considered what they really needed before seeking you out to talk – your question gives them a chance to reflect and choose. And it gives you a chance to meet that need.
If this listening technique doesn’t come to you naturally, I have good news: it can be learned. This year, I’m expanding my focus on coaching nonprofit executives to elevate their leadership – including by developing critical skills like this one. Looking to up your game? Let’s connect. Or pass this message along to a peer you think is ready for the next level in their leadership!