Feedback Can Be Kind Without Being Nice
May 28, 2026 | By David M. Wagner
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
That advice might be helpful in many social contexts where politeness and getting along are crucial.
When you’re leading an organization, however, saying nothing can be worse than nice – it can be downright destructive.
Like me and all my clients, you’ve probably encountered situations like:
Staff or volunteers making poor decisions that cause detriment to a client or the smooth operations of the organization
Board members stepping over the board/staff boundary
Community members (of any type) saying something inappropriate, even if unintentionally
Calling attention to those behaviors may not be nice.
But it is certainly necessary to tend to the impact of those words and actions on others and to prevent the same issue from happening again.
And done well, you can still be kind while delivering that feedback. Here are some tips on how.
Calling In vs. Calling Out
Speaking up to give feedback about problematic behavior can take several different forms.
There are times when it is appropriate to call someone out – that is, publicly pushing back on their words or actions – to put a stop to the behavior and acknowledge the harm others may have endured.
In many circumstances, your feedback will be best received by calling someone in – that is, approaching someone privately or in a smaller group with curiosity – to bring attention to an issue and create space for healing.
The Harvard Office for Diversity, Inclusion & Belonging has a helpful guide for choosing which approach to take and suggestions for putting each approach into practice.
I will add to their excellent suggestions these notes:
Calling out is often a high-risk endeavor. Some of us have more privilege (and therefore more responsibility) to endure that risk in confronting bad behavior.
Neutral framing is a powerful tool for calling in, especially when your relationship with the person in question is important to maintain.
Kindness to the Person, Others, and the Organization
When you spot problematic behavior, there’s often a good chance that the perpetrator truly lacks the awareness that their words or actions pose potential harm to others or to your organization.
In those cases, making them aware of that impact – regardless of their intent – is itself a kindness. They can use that feedback to rectify the situation and modify their behavior in the future.
Even when that’s not the case, your confrontation is an act of kindness.
Consider others who may have been harmed by the poor behavior. You offer validation of their hurt when they see you speak up about it.
And if the behavior put the organization at risk, or would if it continued, you help to preserve the mission and the work everyone attached to your mission is doing. What could be kinder than that?
You might have something to say that won’t feel very nice to the person hearing it. That doesn’t mean you aren’t being kind. To the contrary, not saying anything may be the more unkind choice.
If you want help developing feedback-giving as a leadership skill or fostering a culture of open feedback for your team, set up a free call with me to explore my coaching and consulting offerings.